Becoming Us, Staying Me: Exploring Identity in Relationships

"True belonging doesn't require you to change who you are; it requires you to be who you are." Brené Brown

Relationships can shape us. They can reflect ourselves, challenge our shortcomings, offer comfort, support growth, and sometimes make us question who we are. Whether you're single, dating, partnered, polyamorous, monogamous, queerplatonic, or somewhere in between, your identity is not only shaped by your relationships but also expressed, negotiated, and sometimes rediscovered through them.

In this post, we're diving into what it means to know yourself in a relationship. How do we hold on to our individuality while creating something shared? How do our values, boundaries, and sense of self evolve as we move through different stages of connection?

Let’s explore this journey of identity through the lens of love, partnership, and everything in between.

The Single Self vs. The Relational Self

Being single can be a period of self-discovery. You're free to explore what lights you up without adapting to someone else's needs, hobbies, or social circle. Being single taught me resilience, self-worth, and how to be whole on my own. I learned to define happiness on my terms and grieved past relationships so I wouldn’t carry old baggage forward. It showed me that any future relationship should support, not complete me.

Defining your happiness means discovering what brings you joy, fulfillment, and peace. You may rediscover a love of painting, hiking in solitude, cooking meals just as you like them, or creating new routines focused on your priorities. It might mean shifting your mindset from "waiting for someone to share life with" to "actively building a life I love."

Grieving past relationships is an important and often overlooked part of preparing for healthy future ones. It might involve journaling about what the relationship taught you, speaking with a therapist, or opening up to trusted friends. It’s not about forgetting or rushing to "move on," but about making space for healing so that when love comes again, whether in the form of a partner or deeper self-love, you’re ready to receive it.

Entering Relationships: Discovering Your Relational Identity

When we step into a relationship, we often encounter parts of ourselves we didn’t know were there. Some questions to explore:

• What are my core values? Do they shift when I enter a partnership, or do they solidify?

• How do I balance independence and connection? Can I hold onto autonomy while letting someone in?

• How do I communicate my non-negotiables? Am I clear about what I need and what I can offer?

• What role does my attachment style play? Understanding whether you have a more secure, anxious, avoidant, or disorganized attachment can give important insight into how you relate.

  
  

Many of us develop a "dating identity", a curated version of ourselves we believe will be most lovable or appealing. It can feel like wearing a costume, performing someone else's expectations, or always trying to "get it right" to avoid rejection. While it’s natural to want to put your best foot forward, deep connection stems from showing up as your authentic self, even when that includes messiness, uncertainty, or past wounds. Vulnerability, not perfection, is what fosters real intimacy.

Gender, Sexuality, and Self-Understanding in Relationships

Our gender and sexual identities deeply inform how we seek, form, and sustain relationships. Whether navigating attraction, exploring new identities, or practicing disclosure, being authentic in this space can be both vulnerable and liberating.

Therapy helped me understand that it’s okay to love how I love. For a long time, I felt like something was wrong with me, like I was trying to squeeze myself into boxes I didn’t belong in. I shaped myself into who I thought I had to be to succeed in marriage. And while that chapter brought me two incredible children and valuable lessons, I now know that version of me wasn’t truly Debbie.

It’s okay to change. It’s okay to come home to yourself.

Our identities may also be shaped by labels that help us make sense of our relational needs and desires, whether that's demisexual, pansexual, asexual, non-binary, or others. These identities can influence how we communicate in relationships, what intimacy looks like, and the connections that feel safe and fulfilling.

Sharing Space: Who Am I in a Relationship?

In partnership, we often take on roles such as supporter, caregiver, nurturer, mediator, breadwinner, planner, and peacekeeper. These roles may feel fulfilling or, at times, restrictive.

Ask yourself:

• What responsibilities do I naturally take on in relationships?

• Do I feel able to express my needs and receive care?

• Am I adapting too much, or not enough?

• Do I feel seen for who I really am?

  
  

Roles are sometimes unconsciously adopted, based on past experiences, cultural messages, or family dynamics. Over time, these unspoken assumptions can create imbalance or resentment. That’s why conscious role negotiation is so important: openly discussing and revisiting who does what, what feels supportive, and what needs are unmet. Healthy relationships evolve, and so do the roles within them.

In my polycule, there are moments I still struggle with discomfort. It’s not always easy. But what grounds me is knowing that my partners honour my autonomy. We value interdependence, a balance of supporting each other while fostering space for personal growth. Communication, self-reflection, clear boundaries, and a commitment to growth are important to us.

The “We” Identity: Couples, Constellations, and Chosen Families

Whether you're in a monogamous partnership or a non-monogamous constellation, forming a “we” doesn’t mean losing your “me.”

• What shared values and goals define your relationship(s)?

• How do you present yourselves publicly vs. privately?

• Where do you draw boundaries with the outside world (friends, family, society)?

  
  

For those in non-traditional relationships—polyamorous, ENM (ethically non-monogamous), queerplatonic, or otherwise—there can be added layers of identity to explore: “primary” or “nesting” partner, “comet,” “lover,” “friend with benefits,” and more. Each role offers unique opportunities for identity expression, care, and connection.

And for many, especially LGBTQ+ and polyamorous folks, chosen family becomes a powerful source of identity and belonging. When traditional family structures don’t offer acceptance or support, chosen families create spaces of safety, celebration, and shared values. These bonds often reflect the intentional love and mutual care we all deserve.

Holding Onto You: Individual Identity Within Partnership

In healthy relationships, individuality doesn’t fade; it flourishes. Love shouldn’t mean losing yourself. It means being celebrated for who you are, not who you become to keep the peace.

Ask yourself:

• Are you maintaining your hobbies, passions, and creative outlets?

• Do you have friendships and support systems that are just yours?

• Is your work or career path aligned with your sense of purpose and identity?

• Are you still evolving, growing into your most authentic self?

  
  

In secure partnerships, you’re not asked to shrink to fit. You’re encouraged to shine, even when that means stepping outside shared routines or challenging comfort zones. It’s okay to want both intimacy and independence. In fact, it’s healthy.

Sometimes, reclaiming individuality within a relationship means unlearning what we were taught about partnership, that to be “good” is to be selfless, that compromise means silence, or that closeness requires constant togetherness. It doesn’t. You’re allowed to be whole on your own, even when deeply connected to someone else.

A supportive partner will cheer for your dreams, even when they take you in unexpected directions. They won’t resent your evolution, they’ll witness it with pride.

When Relationships End: Reclaiming Identity

Endings are hard. Whether a relationship ends in heartbreak, mutual parting, or quiet fading, there’s often a sense of being unmoored. Who am I without this “we”? But in the aftermath, something else begins, a reawakening.

Ask yourself:

• Who am I now, beyond this relationship’s story?

• What parts of me got quiet while I was partnered?

• What values, needs, or desires have changed?

  
  

At first, you might feel the absence, the space where rituals, routines, and shared dreams used to live. But over time, that space becomes a space for you to grow. You might pick up old hobbies, reimagine your future, or reconnect with overshadowed parts of yourself.

You may grieve. You may rage. You may feel peace. You may feel it all in a single afternoon. Let yourself be all of it.

There is no one way to heal, no perfect timeline to “move on.” But there is power in rebuilding on your own terms. Whether your next chapter includes partnership or solitude, what you learn now about who you are and what you deserve can guide you forward with more clarity and strength.

Across All Stages: Identity Themes to Reflect On

Our identities don’t pause when we enter relationships; they continue to deepen and evolve. Whether you're single, newly partnered, years into a relationship, or navigating its end, reflecting on these identity dimensions can help you stay grounded and true to yourself:

• The Authentic You: Are you showing up as your full self, not just the version others expect?

• The Boundary Setter: Do your relationships honour your limits, or are you always giving in?

• The Vulnerable Self: Can you share your fears, truths, and insecurities without shame?

• The Communicator: Are your needs being voiced and heard?

• The Growth-Oriented You: Are your relationships encouraging your personal evolution?

• The Sexual Self: Are your needs, boundaries, and preferences expressed and respected?

• The Spiritual/Belief Self: Do your values align? Are your practices and perspectives welcome?

• The Family-of-Origin Self: What relational patterns are you carrying from your upbringing, and what are you choosing to rewrite?

  
  

Relationships don’t define you, but they do reflect you. When you take time to explore these aspects, you can show up with greater self-awareness, intention, and care, both for yourself and for others.

Final Thoughts: Becoming Us, Staying Me

Relationships don’t define us, but they do reflect and reshape us. When nurtured with honesty, curiosity, and care, they become a place where identity can grow, not shrink.

Who are you when you love? Who are you when you’re loved well?

And perhaps more importantly, who are you when you're just with yourself?

Relationships can shape us, reflect us, and teach us, whether they last a lifetime or a season. They challenge us to grow while reminding us of who we are. As we continue to explore identity in all its forms, it's clear that our connections with ourselves and others are important to the stories we tell about who we are becoming.

Next week, we’ll close out this blog series with a topic close to my heart: Embracing Your True Self: Identity Exploration in the LGBTQ+ Community. We’ll talk about the journey of coming out, claiming space, and cultivating pride at every stage of life. Whether questioning, exploring, or deeply rooted in your identity, you deserve to feel seen, safe, and celebrated. I hope you’ll join me.