Love Your Limits: Setting Healthy Boundaries
- Debbie Airth
- Mar 19
- 4 min read
Updated: Jul 10
Welcome back. In our last post, we explored the power of active listening, the kind of presence that builds real trust and connection. Today, we’re turning inward a bit, into the often uncomfortable, often liberating work of setting boundaries, and why doing so is one of the deepest ways to honour your own humanity.
Why Boundaries Matter (Even When They Feel Hard)
Let’s be real: boundary-setting can stir up a lot. Guilt. Fear. Worry that you’re being “too much” or “not enough.” Many of us were never shown what healthy boundaries looked like growing up, especially if we learned to stay small, put others first, or keep the peace.
But boundaries aren’t selfish.
They’re not walls.
They’re not ultimatums.
They’re love with structure. A way of saying, “Here’s how I can stay in connection with you, without losing myself.”
When we set a boundary, we’re not pushing people away. We’re giving them a roadmap for how to care for us, and how we’re committed to caring for ourselves.
What Healthy Boundaries Actually Look Like
Boundaries are simply where you end and someone else begins. They help protect your emotional, mental, physical, and spiritual space, not just from harm, but from depletion. And they don’t all look the same.
Let’s unpack three common types:
Healthy boundaries
Flexible, respectful, and clear. You’re aware of your needs, you express them directly, and you make room for others' needs too.
Example: You tell a friend, “I’d love to hang out, but I need a quiet night in to recharge. Can we pick another day?”
Rigid boundaries
Overly strict or closed-off. Often built from past hurt, trauma, or burnout. These boundaries may keep us “safe,” but they can also keep us isolated.
Example: After being repeatedly let down, you stop reaching out to anyone, even the people who do show up.
Porous boundaries
Too loose or undefined. You say yes when you mean no. You absorb others’ emotions. You feel resentful but don’t speak up.
Example: You always lend money to family, even when it puts you in a tough spot, because saying no feels like abandonment.
Exploring the Different Types of Boundaries
Everyone’s boundary map is unique. These are some of the areas you might explore when tuning into what you need:
Physical – your space, your body, your comfort with touch or presence
Emotional – protecting your feelings, especially from invalidation or over-responsibility
Mental – space to think, believe, or express ideas without pressure or gaslighting
Time – how you allocate your energy, how available you are to others, your need for rest
Sexual – consent, safety, preferences, communication around intimacy
Material – how and when you share your belongings
Financial – boundaries around spending, lending, or joint responsibilities
How to Start Setting Boundaries (Even if It Feels Awkward)
If boundary-setting is new for you, you’re not doing it wrong just because it feels uncomfortable. Discomfort doesn’t mean you’re being unkind, it just means you’re growing.
Here are some ways to ease in:
1. Start with reflection
Ask yourself:
When do I feel drained after interacting with someone?
Where in my life am I saying yes, when I really want to say no?
What kind of care do I need that I haven’t been asking for?
Example: After every visit with extended family, you feel anxious and exhausted. You realize you need shorter visits and clearer topics that are off-limits.
2. Use "I" statements to communicate clearly
"I" statements help express your truth without blame. They sound like:
“I feel overwhelmed when plans change last minute.”
“I need some quiet time to recharge after work.”
This creates space for others to hear you, not defend against you.
3. Expect some resistance, and hold your ground gently
Not everyone will love your new limits, especially if they benefited from the absence of them. That’s okay. Your job isn’t to make everyone comfortable; it’s to stay rooted in what you need to be well.
“I know this might feel different than what you’re used to. But I’m learning to honour myself more, and this is part of that.”
4. Reinforce, repeat, and revise
Boundaries aren’t one-and-done. You may need to remind people (and yourself). You may tweak your limits as you learn more about what’s sustainable. That’s part of the process.
If You're Feeling Guilt, You're Not Alone
Especially for caregivers, people-pleasers, or those from cultures where self-sacrifice is the norm, boundaries can feel like betrayal. But here’s the truth:
You are allowed to take up space.
You are allowed to rest.
You are allowed to say no, without explanation.
The people who truly care for you will learn to adjust. And the ones who don’t? That’s important information too.
Try This: A Boundary Practice for the Week
Pick one small boundary you want to practice this week, and actually try it.
Examples:
Saying “I need to get back to you on that” instead of immediately agreeing
Not answering emails after 6 pm
Telling someone, “That topic feels a bit heavy for me right now. Can we shift gears?”
Then, reflect:
How did it feel?
What came up emotionally?
How did the other person respond?
You don’t have to get it perfect. This is about progress, not perfection.
Resources
Here are some handouts to help with your boundaries journey:
Final Thoughts: Boundaries Are an Invitation, Not a Rejection
Setting boundaries isn’t about building walls; it’s about creating safe containers for connection. It’s saying, “This is how I can stay in a relationship without abandoning myself.”
And that? That is one of the most loving and empowering things you can do.
You are worthy of relationships where your needs are named, respected, and held with care.
Up Next
Next time, we’ll explore how to speak your truth during conflict and how you can move from tension to understanding without losing your voice in the process.
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